mama update

I've gotten a few inquiries as to how I'm doing, so I figure there are probably at least a few others out there just as curious.  You'll be happy to know that the cankles are gone.  It was miraculous, really.  They swelled up even bigger post-delivery and every day were quite a sight to see.  Then, pretty much overnight, they decided to go back to normal again.  Never to be seen again, I hope. 

I have ALMOST gotten back to my pre-pregnancy size.  I was bold enough to try on some of my regular pants.  They made it on, but we still have a ways to go to fasten them.  OK, so maybe I'm not really that close, but I'm much happier thinking that I am.  It's just another wow moment in this whole process about how incredible the human body is.  In case anyone has forgotten, this is what I looked like 3 days before delivery:

I have lost about 35 pounds since then.  Of course, a significant amount of that was in the form of 2 beautiful babies.

On the emotional side, this is definitely a roller coaster.  There are days when I'm really blue and just think this is really hard and I feel really isolated and tired and don't know how to make it through another feeding or another crying spell.  But, then there are days when I have full confidence that I can do this and am ready for whatever new challenge the day brings (today it's their first cold and cleaning out their noses).  I'm really fortunate that I have had friends and family her supporting me through each feeding and helping me get through the days.  I would definitely have more blue days without you!! 

look at those legs

Bath time for Miss Sylvia.

I got inspired

Polling the audience:

Whom do they resemble? Mom, dad, or milkman? Do you think they look like siblings?

L'shana Tovah

In celebration of Rosh Hashana, D took today off (along with his boss).  It was nice to have him home for the day.  Last night wasn't the best night.  Sylvia decided to have some uncomfortable gas that kept a few of us awake for many hours.  That made me not such a happy camper today, so having D home helped keep me from throwing in the towel on the breastfeeding, pumping, and everything that seems to make this more difficult.  Of course, switching to alternate methods will likely have challenges of their own. 

Fortunately, today has been a good day.  The kiddos have been relatively calm with not too much gas.  I have been able to sit through the whimpers and whines and am getting better at not feeling heartbroken every time I hear them and I don't always automatically assume that they are experiencing the worst tummy pain imaginable.


It's hard to believe that we haven't yet had them both home for a full week.  It feels like it's already been a month.  Both in that I'm exhausted and in that I think we're starting to get in the swing of things.

Please keep the prayers coming that the gas doesn't turn into colic.  So far, I think we're steering clear.  Miss Sylvia seems to get uncomfortable almost exactly 2 hours after we start her feed.  She goes through about 6-10 wailing sessions where she tends to soothe herself right when we get up or get to her door to go try to calm her down.  Rafael doesn't want to be left out and plays the same ruse a few times, but doesn't seem to be quite as bothered by Sylvia.  Hopefully, we'll learn and stop getting up at some point.  Then they both go back to sleep for 30-45 minutes until it's time to feed again.

We might get around to snapping some pics one of these days, although they mostly just hang out in their burrito swaddles and you can only see their little heads peeking out the top.  They are super cute little heads, though, and definitely warrant some photos.

we can do this

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days, it's been a little bit of a whirlwind for the past couple days.  We have been very good about staying on the 3-hour feeding schedule started by the hospital.  We've only had to do an extra mid-feed twice, both for little Sylvia who seems to be trying really hard to catch up with Rafael.  Unfortunately, since he's such a good sleeper, he's not burning any calories in between feedings and doing an excellent job in putting on weight.  She, on the other hand, is a fussy, little baby and we would appreciate prayers for her (and for us) that her fussiness doesn't turn into colic.  Please God.  Rafael got to visit his pediatrician today and here are the latest stats from their visits:

Sylvia (as of 9.23.11) - 19.5", 5 lb. 5.2 oz.
Rafael (as of 9.26.11) - 19" (although that means he's shorter, so the doc said that's probably user error in measuring him), 6 lb. 10.7 oz.

We have had a night nanny come for the first couple nights.  She'll be here 4 nights a week for a few weeks helping us and the twins adjust to life together.  I was sort of a crazy mom the first night a little uncomfortable with her "method", but we discussed it all and worked out a compromise.  I'm now settling more into trusting her with the kiddos and her methods and realizing that there are plenty of people around the world breaking the "rules" and plenty of generations that did things that are now discouraged.  It will definitely be a lifesaver having her help out with the twins and taking some of the burden off until we get better at all of this.  Not to mention D's being able to sleep most work nights and my being able to rest more since I only get up to pump and she takes care of the twins throughout the night. 

I haven't yet tried a feeding on my own, thanks to Mom and Miss Candy who both have come for a couple daytime feeds.  I might get my chance tomorrow at noon before D's mom arrives for the 3pm feed.  Depending on how the kiddos are doing, I might tandem feed, I might feed them one at a time, or I might bottle feed.  In that order of frustration.  Pray for me.  Tonight I feel up to the challenge, but we'll see how I feel when actually faced with the situation.

our 4-family

Heading home. At last.

Sylvia goes to the doctor

She's now up to 5 pounds 5 ounces. That's over 1/2 pound weight gain since birth!!

day 3

At the risk of jinxing it, I just wanted to let everyone know that Rafael has now gone 3 days without an A&B. Woohoo!! The attending doc said that if he makes it 5 days A&B free, he'll come home on Saturday. Prayers, positive thoughts, fingers crossed, ritual dances, super powers, please! Of course, if he's going to have another, we'd rather he have it while in the hospital, but here's hoping he just decided to grow up when his sister left him behind. That's the competitive Gee spirit!

Here's miss Sylvia doing what she does best.

Miss Sylvia is home!!

Ready to leave the hospital:




Snug at home:

Sylvia goes home tomorrow

For reals this time. I think the doc noted my hesitation in having one baby at home and one in the hospital and suggested that they could watch her for 48 hours for weight gain and then send her home or I could have taken her home today if I wanted. We are waiting until tomorrow. One more night of rest. One more night of preparing myself mentally for having a newborn at home and still having to go to the hospital. And one more day for reinforcements to arrive. D's mom and aunt will be helping with the night feeds for a couple days and generally just supporting and encouraging me. Oh, and cooking and running errands and everything else that they so wonderfully do to help out.

I haven't had a chance to go back and comment on all the comments. Know that I read all your comments and they bring smiles and laughter to my days and encouragement and support. I am incredibly grateful for the love of so many of you from both near and far.

flexibility

So, this was our morning attempt at feeding:







Today's nurse said to give it a break and let them rest and try again in 30-45 minutes rather than trying to force feed on the 3 hour schedule. The flexibility will be nice (assuming I embrace it) although if they start eating every hour or two, I may never sleep...

I am trying to embrace flexibility and not every feed and not every day will work out the way I hope and desire. Hopefully embracing hiccups in feeing will help me embrace Rafa's As & Bs as just road bumps that will also be overcome. Here's my attempt at being a much more sane person. Or maybe my hormones are finally getting back to 'normal'.

homecoming

We will likely hear from the doctor today that little Sylvia will be coming home.  If you haven't been praying for us, yet, please start now.  I keep telling myself we can do this, but somehow I'm incredibly insecure about my abilities to take care of a newborn.  I think the stress of the hospital and the lack of sleep is starting to wear on me.  Unfortunately, Rafa is still having episodes of As & Bs, so he'll still be in the hospital for awhile. He's having about 2 per day and the nurses don't think this is something that he'll stop cold turkey, so we're probably looking at at least another week with him in the NICU.  The doctor is starting to run some tests to see if there is anything else going on.  So far, they've all been negative and the thought is that it's just something he needs to outgrow. 


I apparently need to take more pics of Sylvia, which will likely happen with her beating Rafa home, since I seem to have more of him.  Maybe because we keep all our gear near his bed so it's easier to get to my camera by him.  I'll snap some of her today.  Until then, you can play the, which parent do I resemble more game.  Bear in mind that his hair, which you can't really see in these photos is sandy blond and curly.  Too bad I don't have a pic of the milkman...

miss sylvia

I got a close up of little miss today. She is doing really well and the nurses think that so long as she keeps gaining weight, she will probably be discharged sometime around mid-week. Then, life will be really interesting with one at home and one in the hospital...

field trip

Somehow, I've convinced myself that my life is completely overwhelming and I have more things to do than hours in the day. Poor D has born the brunt of this stress and sweetly hurts for me when I start to fall apart. Today, when we had a couple hours in between hospital visits, I suggested that D run an errand. He thought it would be nice for us to go together and somehow that seemed overwhelming because in my head there are just too many things to do for us to both go. Then I looked at the to do list I had sitting next to me that I was frantically checking things off of and realized, we can do all of these things this weekend. And if we don't, it's no big deal. So, off we went and spent some nice time together focusing on something other than the babies and enjoying each other's company. It was also, the second time since July 9 that I left the house to go somewhere other than a doctor's appointment or the hospital (the first was an outing in August to go to a baby shower). The field trip was amazing for my sanity. Hopefully, it will be incredibly beneficial for my mental state going forward as well. I realized that it's important for us to keep getting things done when we have a few minutes here and there, but if I want to take a break from everything and watch a little football, everything will be just fine. We're capable people, we can handle this. Deep breath.



The feeding tubes came out today. Hooray! Unfortunately, Rafa still had an A&B. Ugh. It breaks my heart every time he has one. I know that it's because I'm a new mom and I just want everything to be perfect for my children and for them to not suffer at all. I don't think that he's really in pain or anything, but he is sort of suffocating for a little bit when they happen. So, I'm learning that I can't protect my babies from everything. Some things (most?) are out of my control. We've heard this lesson before, haven't we?...

more pics

The hospital has some volunteers that go around and take pictures of the babies and help parents make cards or other scrapbooking things.  We missed the signup for Wednesday, so requested that they come by this coming Monday.  Rafa had other plans.  He pulled out his feeding tube, so when our nurse saw the photographers, she asked them to come by and snap his photo while his tube was out.  The photographer felt bad only taking pics of Rafa, so she took some of Sylvia, too.  She got some great shots.  Here are a few of our faves.

Rafa

Parents enamored with their son

Sylvia chillin with Aunt Karen

Both kids ate like champs last night.  So well that the nurse left us a note, she was so excited about their feeds.  So, the nurse practitioner has decided to try taking out their feeding tubes and see how they do feeding by mouth exclusively and see if that helps Rafa's apnea & bradycardia (the breathing/heart problem that he has to avoid for 5-7 days before going home, aka As & Bs).  The feeding tube could be increasing his reflux, which leads to the As & Bs, so here's hoping that that gets better.  Unfortunately, he had another one this morning at 5am, he resolved on his own, just with the light being turned on, but we're in for another 5-7 days.  Hopefully, taking out the feeding tube will do the trick.

together at last!

We tried tandem feeding this morning and both babies did well! This achievement will be life changing for me since it will cut down on feeding times dramatically and give me longer breaks in between feedings. We hope they keep it up!

Sylvia finished all her bottles last night and Rafa is now over 24 hours without a breathing problem, so we had a great night!

We snapped this pic after the tandem feeding before Sylvia had to go back to her own crib. I'm not sure if they noticed being together again, but we were super ecstatic to see their faces side by side and have them together.

parenting fun

So that the nurses don't have to learn names of all the parents they interact with, they call everyone Mom and Dad. The fun part for us is that it makes us feel a little more like a mom and a dad, just being called by our new titles.

Some fun parenting things we've been doing (it's not all about pumping and feeding, even if it feels like it most of the time):

Bath time!! Way to go Daddy!




Kangaroo time (skin on skin cuddling) provides some rest for Mom and is supposed to be really beneficial for premies to develop. Dad kangaroo'd Rafa while Mom snuggled with Sylvia.

an amazing place

If you're not familiar with the Ronald McDonald House, you need to be. It is an amazing place. Parents and grandparents with babies and kids in the NICU and other special care units get access to their facilities while their kids are in the hospital. For us, it has been a nice place to go to relax in between feeds, to eat, to rest, to refuel on all levels. It's not home, but it's pretty close. It has also been a great place to meet other parents and share stories and encourage one another. The stories I have heard have also been a reminder of how blessed we are. Yesterday, I met a 17 year old who was trying so hard to be strong while her daughter with cerebral palsy was undergoing tests before a possible surgery. I also chatted with 2 moms whose newborns have had or need to have cardiac surgery, one mom whose baby was born at 28 weeks and has been in the hospital for months, and various others. At the house, parents are fed by food brought by volunteers, there are rooms where people can stay the night or take a nap, computers, TV and
magazines to escape for a little and generally, just a relaxing atmosphere without any monitors and the constant noise and worry in the NICU. It's an amazing place.

first outfits

We brought a random assortment of premie and newborn clothes to the hospital so that the kiddos wouldn't be jealous of the other NICU kiddos who have fully decked out cribs. I guess D and I are trying not to get too settled. Nurse DeeDee picked out their first outfits after their baths last night. I have some better photos on my camera, but don't know when I'll get around to transferring them to the computer. Since we keep getting picture requests, hopefully these will do.








On the development front, Rafa had a few apnea episodes last night. He now officially has wimpy white boy syndrome. There weren't any complete breathing stoppages, but he's still struggling with coordinating all the things this big, and world requires. They will test him for infection just in case, but seem to think that it's just developmental. So, in a show of solidarity, Sylvia decided to be difficult and not finish one feeding and sleep through the next. All this after some great feeds last night. They are just keeping momma on her toes.

life as a food source

My entire day is consumed by one activity - producing milk.  Everything I do is impacted by that one activity.  Our current plan is to feed the babes as often as possible (most every feed, if they're awake, they spend some time with Mom).  They always supplement with milk or formula.  If they are super sleepy, they get tube fed, whether for the initial feed or the supplement.  So, far, there hasn't been significant improvement in the amount they are feeding by mouth, Rafa still gets half his feeds by tube and Sylvia every once in awhile, more often supplements, she usually takes most of her feed by mouth. 

Then, every 3 hours, whether I've spent any time feeding the kiddos or if it's in the middle of the night, I'm trying to produce as much milk as possible.  And that's incredibly exhausting.  The huge benefit is that Rafa has stopped spitting up, which is likely due to his getting most of his feeds as mama milk rather than formula.  He also feeds better with mama milk.  So, we're letting him steal some of sister's share since she mostly eats like a champ, even if it's formula.  Overall, they are still growing, so that's positive.  The docs also continue to increase their feeds and they're tolerating them well.  They just aren't eating enough by mouth (they have to supplement through the tube feeds) so that we can continue on this trend in the comfort of our home rather than in NICU.  

The other side effect of feeding so many people is that I eat constantly.  So, pretty much, I pump, feed, eat, and am exhausted all day long.  Ah, the life of a food source.


Some good news, Sylvia has officially passed her bilirubin/jaundice tests, so they won't test that any more and she has no risk of having to go under the lamp.  Yay!  Rafa gets tested again tomorrow morning, so hopefully we'll have good news on his front, too. 

It has been wonderful spending time with our little miracles and getting to know them and love on them.  D has been a wonderful dad, eager to change diapers, helping wash all the pumping equipment and bottles, getting me food, and generally helping with all the new tasks (as well as cleaning, laundry, cooking, running errands and other tasks that carry on).  It was especially bittersweet to see him after he burped Rafa tonight because he didn't want to put him back in his crib and just wanted to hang on to him forever.  There are times when it's hard to leave our kids in the NICU, even though we know it's the best thing for them.  Remind us of this when it's 4am and neither of us wants to get up to soothe a crying baby...

all in a day's work

D changed his son's diaper for the first time. Go Daddy!




All I so is feed and pump and nobody wants to see a picture of the milk farm, so I'll spare you.

Kiddos are putting on weight, but little change in Rafa's interest in eating. He didn't spit up any major amount today, though and most of his feeds were mama milk, so maybe that will help turn the corner. We will see.

The kiddos are getting more yellow, so we might need to put them under the lamps to help with jaundice.

So, we're not progressing much, but were not regressing much, either.

I was discharged this evening and took a break between feedings to enjoy a lovely sushi dinner and ice cream. How divine.

home sweet home

D and I will be checking out of the hospital hotel tomorrow.  The kiddos will stick around longer until their feeding gets under control.  It looks like Sylvia might leave her bro behind since she's leaps and bounds ahead of him, but of course, you never know until they've passed all their tests.  In the meantime, D and I have taken infant CPS and car seat safety classes, rented a hospital grade pump, toured the milk bank, and started preparing as best we can for taking care of late term premie babies.  I have also told all the NICU nurses that I want to learn everything they can teach me.  Tonight, I bathed Rafa with the night nurse.  We've learned some feeding and some burping tricks, excellent swaddling techniques, how to find a baby's pulse in the baby's inside elbow, and more.  We're hoping to glean as much knowledge and wisdom from experience that we can from these incredible caretakers!

I'm really looking forward to being outside a little and possibly even going out to eat!  Of course, depending on my pain and exhaustion levels.  But, mmmmmmm sushi and a glass of vino sounds amazingly divine.

slight setback...

As one of the nurses told us today, Sylvia and Rafael decided to start acting like premies.  They have decided they don't really like hospital food, either, and aren't eating well consistently.  So, they have feeding tubes and are taking every other feeding through the feeding tubes to give them a break from working so hard with the bottles.  It's a combo problem of not wanting to eat out of the bottles and not digesting the food in their tummies (which is probably why they don't want to eat out of the bottles).  So, while we are leaving either tomorrow or Saturday, the kiddos will likely stay a few more days, depending on how they do with their eating.  While we're a little bummed that they are having a slight setback, it's not entirely unexpected, so I think we're taking it well. 

p.s.  Just got back from Sylvia's late night feeding and she ate like a champ!  Woo hoo!  Her bro is still spitting up quite a bit of his food.  He probably feels guilty from stealing all her food in the womb and is now letting her catch up.  Her weight is now 4 lb. 8 oz. and his weight is 5 lb. 5 oz.  Some weight loss is expected, and they're still within the okay range.

we're in level 2!!

Kiddos both got moved to Level 2 NICU after only about 24 hours in Level 3.  Woo hoo!  The most common issues to look for in premies this old and weight tend to be: breathing, body temperature self-regulating, eating, jaundice, and something else which is escaping my tired brain.  So far, neither of the kiddos has shown any breathing issues, which is the scary one to me.  When they moved to level 2, they were under heat lamps for only a few hours and are now in open cribs and seem to be self-regulating their body temperatures well.  They are both a little jaundiced and might need to be treated for that, we'll know more today.  They seem to be eating well.  We still need to get their weights up a little and make sure they are eating enough at each feeding for their size and keep it down.  They are on the right track, but could be a little better.  Hopefully, we'll see improvement today, I mean, they're only a day old!  All in all, they seem to be on the right track and there's a chance they'll even come home with us!  We are trying not to get our hopes up too much at this point, but are very encouraged by their progress.

As for me, I'm still struggling with the carpal tunnels, getting enough sleep, and recovering from the surgery.  Also attempting to learn to breast feed and everything else to take care of two premies!  But, definitely in love with our children.  Love, love, love.

sneak peek

Sylvia and Rafa have been in level 3 NICU but should be moving to level 2 today.

Here's what you've been waiting for:

details

Sylvia Mar Vassar, born at 5:59 pm, weight: 4lbs 12.5oz
Rafael Gee Vassar, born at 6:00 pm, weight: 5lbs 8oz

Twins are in NICU having breathing monitored, but breathing on their own.  Mom is attempting to rest.  All are doing well.

Babies are here!!

Everyone is fine. Details to come.

aaaack! cankles!!!

35 weeks and 1 day. For 35 weeks and one day, I avoided them. And then, I went to scratch an itch and couldn't feel my ankle bone. Why did I think I would be immune to the ankle swelling that plagues most pregnant women?? What makes me so special? Well, nothing apparently, because I fear the cankles are here to stay. A sad, sad day.





Fortunately, the hubs is already locked in and I'm carrying his children because he just might have ditched a girl sometime in his youth for such an unsightly attribute. There, see ladies, he's not perfect. Just pretty darn close.

35 weeks!, labor day, and football

35 weeks!!  We made it!  And it looks like we're blowing right past it...  So, I guess Labor Day won't be our labor day.  Since I'm not laboring in the hospital, we did do a little laboring in the house.  I have to give a shout out to D for spending the morning putting up shelves in the nursery closet.  Home improvement projects are dead last on his list of ways to spend his day off from work, but he sucked it up and with only some minor cursing, got the job done.  And he didn't even have to make a return trip to the hardware store!  I'd say it was a major success.  He was just glad it was time for lunch.

We've spent quite a bit of time watching the beginning of college football season, which has been wonderful to help pass the time and keep my mind off of all the aches and discomfort.  All the football watching has raised some interesting child-rearing questions.  What do we do if our children really, really want to play football but we are concerned for their physical well-being and potential brain damage?  What about screening movies?  Or "strongly encouraging" going to church?  How do we decide where the line is between parental guidance and children's responsibility?  And we're supposed to do all this as a team...  This is going to be interesting...

still cookin

Last night was a long night.  Contractions got really strong.  Still really irregular.  I did not sleep well trying to relax and find a comfortable position between the bed and a recliner.  This morning, they started getting more regular, but not as strong.  We called the doc and he suggested we go in to get monitored, see where everything is and go from there.  So, we got a trial run at the whole hospital trip.  It was fun to feel the excitement of the possibility of this being "the day" even though I knew deep down that it likely wasn't.  Babies are doing well, labor is not progressing, so we're still in the same place we've been for the past however many weeks.  I'm back on the anti-contraction meds to see if they respond and are less painful.  Unless my water breaks or some other major event occurs, we'll keep holding off until at least 36 weeks.  I'm glad my doc doesn't seem to want to just take them, but wants me to try to carry them as long as possible, even though being huge is getting old and very uncomfortable.  I did snooze some when we got back from the hospital to catch up on lost sleep from last night.  I might need to figure out some other sleeping arrangements next week.  The poor hubs woke up a few times while I was hurting.  He did wonders giving me some back rubs, so I'll let him carry on this weekend while he can sleep in.  :)  So, back to the sofa for more chillin...

TGIF!

I'm not sure I have looked forward to the weekends as much as while on bed rest. And not just because most of the honey-dos happen on the weekend. Mostly because I'm really not a happy camper by myself. How I was once shy is a mystery. Definitely extroverted. Definitely love hangin with the hubby more than anything! And, no lie, this weekend, looking forward to the start of football season.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Day weekend with friends and family and football!!

I sent this pic to my sis who wanted to see the belly. She posted it on Facebook and since it still is a little shocking to me to see--how does the body change so much?!--I thought I'd share with any of you who missed it or aren't on Facebook.

the latest

Not much new to report.  The belly is getting bigger and with more stretch marks.  Yesterday was not a very good day.  I felt like my belly weighed about 1,000 pounds and could not get comfortable, started to really get frustrated with being cooped up, etc.  I also awoke last night with sharp pains in my back and thought that we might be making our way to the hospital soon!  But, then when I woke up today, I felt pretty good.  A little discomfort, but a much better day than yesterday.  And, for most of the day, it's been fairly uneventful.  We'll just keep on cookin'!

So, any guesses on the date these kiddos will make their arrival?