gender stuff

Recently, I've noticed that Sylvia is starting to assign certain colors to herself and to Rafa.  And it sort of makes me bristle.  She saves everything pink, purple, red, and yellow for herself, and everything blue, green, brown, and gray for Rafa.  I think that part of it has to do with their clothes.  Almost all of their clothes are hand-me-downs, which we LOVE and are SO grateful for.  But, it also means that most of her clothes are very girly (pink) and his are very boy (blue).  OK, so with his blue eyes, the blue looks pretty fantastic on him.  Well, and we probably tended to give her the sippy cups with pink lids and him the ones with green lids just so that we could keep them apart. 

But, the problem for me is that I'm in the middle of processing many of the things going on right now related to women's rights and the discussions about women in positions of leadership.  The short version is that it makes me really upset to see how the few women there are in politics are treated by their male counterparts, which is particularly poignant as they deal with women's issues (see the Texas Senate).  Then there's the recent Supreme Court ruling related to harassment of women in the workplace.  There are so many things that make it hard for women to be leaders.  This is what the recent public discussions led by Anne-Marie Slaughter and Sheryl Sandberg (and kept going by many others) have been about.  External barriers and internal struggles preventing women from being leaders and finding balance between work and family. 

One thing I'm convinced of is that society teaches our daughters at a VERY early age certain behaviors that are detrimental to them becoming leaders in the future.  We generally tend to chastise girls for being bossy when the same behaviors in boys is overlooked.  Because we're generally more comfortable with men taking leadership roles.  Sylvia definitely rules the roost in our house.  Rafa is starting to exhibit his preferences and desires and exert some will over his sister.  But, Sylvia cares for him and answers questions for him and tends to be more aggressive in getting what she wants if it conflicts with him.  We try to be fair and balanced and make sure that they each get time to do what they want, but after some of the research I've recently read, I'm hyper sensitive to make sure that I'm not quenching some of Sylvia's traits that will help her be a great leader one day. 

OK, so that has nothing to do with colors.  Not exactly.  But sort of.  I generally think that at this age, the kids should be free to explore without adult intervention all of their likes and dislikes.  Whether it's what color they like, what toys they like, what they wear, whether they snuggle or run, and on and on.  Our former nanny came over and brought each child some clothes.  Sylvia got two dresses and Rafa got some cute boy clothes.  We were wondering if Sylvia had already grown into the dresses, which are a few sizes bigger than what we generally put her in, so our former nanny put one on Sylvia over her clothes to see.  Well, then Rafa wanted to wear the other dress.  And I think that's okay.  I probably still won't elect to put him in dresses every day, but if he wants to play dress up in a dress or wear what his sister is wearing, so be it.

Now, the tricky part to me is that our current nanny also recently brought gifts for the kids (we apparently don't buy enough things for them...).  I can live with gendered gifts.  I am grateful for others' generosity and if girly things for Sylvia and boy things for Rafa make the giver happy, no problem.  Sylvia got a bunch of Minnie things and Rafa a bunch of Thomas the Train things.  The main thing that's a challenge for me is that Sylvia's Minnie things say on them: I'm so pretty!  Now, of course I want Sylvia to always think of herself as pretty, both inside and out.  But, I don't want that to be what identifies her and the first thing she's looking for.  Good thing she can't read!  I recently read a great article about how a woman's first instinct in meeting a girl is to comment on how pretty she is or how cute her clothes are.  I must admit, I have done that!  Have I ever done it for a boy?  Probably not...  Again, being pretty and wearing cute clothes is great.  But, it shouldn't be defining.  We are teaching our girls that their value is all about their looks. 

I'm certainly still sorting through how to deal with all of these gender issues, both for myself and in rearing my children.  And it will be a lifelong battle, I'm sure.  And, I'm also learning how quick these little kids pick up on even small things that we do and say.  Oh, be careful little mouth what you say!  Probably more appropriate for me than for the kids...