Relearning how to live

I'm going through a season of transformation. I cut my hair, quit my job (and started a new one), sold my convertible (waaaaaaaaa!!!), and am starting to learn how to live again. I've talked about this with other moms, so I know I'm not alone in that having kids often means that we lose our identities outside of being our kids' mom. It's more than other people's perceptions, too. It's actually in living life.

Even quite early on, during the first few months of SylRafa's life, I didn't really know what made me happy anymore. My sleep deprived hormonal self was forever consumed by baby tasks. Bottle washing. Clothes folding. Diaper buying. Food preparing. Worry. Worry. Worry. Until those rare days when both kids were asleep and there was only one basket of laundry and half a day's dishes and so we gave ourselves permission to take a break. D would go watch an hour of football or whatever he felt like. And me? I would sit in our room and weep. Because I didn't know what to do, now that I had a free hour, that would make me happy. Which is a little crazy because the pre-baby me was pretty much happy doing just about anything. So, part of it was losing touch with my inner happiness and part of it was just forgetting what it was like to not be consumed by living completely for someone else--or someones else in our case.

Well, lately, as another aspect of my season of transformation, I'm relearning how to live. I'm rediscovering some of my prior pastimes that simply make me happy. And I'm learning that it's not just the simple activity. But, it's also giving myself permission to do something for me. Something that I enjoy. And it's okay to not work on my 'to do' list. I might go to bed with things left undone. Or not have a perfectly tidy house when guests come over. Or we might have cereal for dinner. Embracing that it's all okay has been liberating. And has brought happiness back into my life.

Don't get me wrong. My children often make me happy. And I enjoy them. But there's more to me than that. And I want to rediscover that soon rather than waiting for years and it becomes increasingly more difficult to separate myself from my momself.

I was going to close last night by saying that I was going to read a book or do a crossword or whatever other thing sounded fun at the time, but I fell asleep. So, maybe I'll have to keep working on it...